becoming yourself in your 20s

I keep finding parts of myself in unexpected places.

I found a part of my 15-year-old self whom I’d forgotten. It happened one night while lying in bed shuffling my music on Spotify. I heard an old song I once loved. I loved it so much I had a Luke Hemmings poster on my door until I was 22. It took me down a rabbit hole of music I had deemed “too embarrassing” to listen to once I hit a certain age. Years later, I couldn’t figure out why I stopped listening to those songs that held memories of my teenage years buried between choruses and harmonies. 

I found a part of myself the other day at the consignment store when I stumbled across a top I would have begged my mom for in 7th grade. It had flowers and sparkles and I could imagine it flowing on a warm summer day. It was a top I would have gotten made fun of for wearing, so I decided to buy it. 

I found a part of myself one afternoon when I was unloading the dishwasher. One of my favorite songs came on and suddenly my spoon was a microphone and the trees outside became an audience. I sang, spun, and danced around my kitchen in my pajamas, which had chickens on them. I forgot what it felt like to take up space. I found it hard to believe that the feeling of dancing had become foreign to me, when it was once all that I knew. 

I’ve been stumbling across old tucked away versions of myself I once cherished so deeply.

I wonder if that’s what your 20s are all about. Finding old pieces of yourself that you once loved but hid away because the world deemed them unworthy. As I find pieces of myself in unexpected places, I start to know myself a little better. I start to wonder what other parts of myself are hidden, waiting to be found and treasured.

I’ve been learning that the things you loved as a child or as a teenager are purposeful. They’re the things that make you - YOU. You were meant to love that specific genre of music a little more than others. That weird movie no one knows about was meant to be your favorite and the clothes you begged your mom for in middle school were just a little taste of how your style would be in the future. It didn’t have to make sense for anyone else.

Sure things change and people grow, but I’m figuring out that who you are, the things that make you unique - those things never go away. 

Confidence has always been a struggle for me. It’s something God has been working on in me and I just wanted to share this in case you’re going through something similar. 

God has created you with such a specific vision. He created you in His image for His glory. There is NO ONE like you. I encourage you today to search and dig up old versions of yourself. Reconnect with the things you once loved so deeply. Figure out why they made your heart light up and understand how it plays a part in who you are. Watch the ways that God will use these little details to grow your confidence and create security in you.

I’m writing this on my bedroom floor at 12:48 am all because I thought about how much I love the striped shirt I’m wearing that I’ve had since 7th grade. I’ve been reflecting a lot and noticing myself grow into the person God created me to be while also remaining exactly the same???? It’s a sense of familiarity in a season of unknown.

A puzzle isn’t complete without every little piece. Go to dig around in the back of the drawer for your favorite pen. Dance around your kitchen in your best pajamas. Wear your favorite color eyeshadow. Re-watch a movie that you used to play so much, the CD was scratched, and you knew exactly when it would skip. Recite the lines, belt the words, take up space. Complete the puzzle. Connect the dots.

Who God created you to be is better than any version of yourself that you could ever dream up. Sometimes, it’s the crazy seasons of trials and uncertainty that bring us closer to who we were supposed to be.

This feels like a dump of every thought that’s been taking up space in my head. I’m still trying to figure out the proper way to articulate my jumbled thoughts. It’s hard for me to comprehend how a difficult season could bring me closer to myself, so I’m trying my best!

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago when I was at home in Michigan. (I’m now writing this in my new bedroom in California).

I’ve been learning so much about myself during this transitional period. I feel like in your 20s you never stop discovering yourself. You’re learning new habits, finding new ways to wear your hair, and figuring out what your perfect morning routine looks like. It’s hard for me to articulate but this is me trying! Your 20s are such a weird time, but it’s genuinely so much fun. What a beautiful thing it is that we get to know ourselves this much!

Anyways! That’s my all-over-the-place brain dump or how I’m nostalgic about my teenage years while also excited to be growing up. I’m here in California for the next couple of months - so I can’t wait to share more with you! A fun new season where I literally have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m going but I’m doing it with the Lord!

Love you tons and tons - talk so soon! <3