old memories spark new emotion

Summer is coming to an end, and a new school year is beginning.

With that being said - I know a lot of you are getting ready for school to start and if you’re anything like me, I know that it can bring up a lot of anxiety.

In today’s entry, we’re talking about insecurity and anxiety.

I’m not in school right now, and I haven’t been for a while, but when I was in high school I struggled deeply with insecurity and anxiety. The other night I was watching old videos on my phone from a couple of years ago when I was in high school. I came across one of me dancing - which sparked me to write this entry in the first place.

If you didn’t know, I danced for 14 years. Since I was 4 years old up until my senior year of high school I spent every other day at my dance studio. I looked forward to those days, and dance quickly became an outlet for emotions.

Amongst an absurd amount of 10-second videos of me and my friends being dumb, I stumbled upon a clip of me rehearsing my senior solo one random Tuesday night at the dance studio. I remember rewatching the video at the time and thinking that I looked so bad. I truly thought I was a terrible dancer and was honestly embarrassed that my friends were going to come and watch me perform soon.

Rewatching that video now, 5 years later, I couldn’t help but feel so crushed. I wasn’t a bad dancer and I had nothing to feel embarrassed about. Was I perfect??? Not by any means, but I was trying. I was young, I was learning and I was passionate.

As I continued to watch other videos from high school, my heart began to break for younger Mere. In every video, I remembered how insecure I felt. So small, and so full of self-hatred. I looked at 16-year-old mere from my 23-year-old perspective and felt like I was watching a different person. A person who was once so crippled by fear of what other people would think.

In high school, I used to point out every single flaw whenever I walked past a mirror. Anytime I met someone new my anxiety would kick in and wait for them to see the terrible things I thought I saw in myself. Every interaction was filled with dread, my life controlled by insecurity. I think about how many opportunities I missed out on in the past because of my insecurity. Would I be somewhere with dance? Would I have gone away to college? Would I have started making YouTube videos back when I actually wanted to?

It’s a terrible cycle that I’m thankful I can recognize now. I truly have only God to thank for freeing me from the grip anxiety had on me. With that being said, there are so many things the Lord has been breaking off me and helping me walk through. One of the biggest things is insecurity. I don’t carry this heavy burden to be perfect anymore. Something that’s helped me is constantly using scripture to remind myself who God is and the promises He has for my life. I’ll take an insecure thought and if it doesn’t line up with scripture, surely it isn’t true! I remember for a while I would pray and read Psalm 139 over myself every single day. I memorized it and whenever anxiety or insecurity would creep in I would remember the words that God spoke about me. Combating the lies with the truth will shut them down instantly.

Another thing I thought of while rewatching old videos was how much I used to film. I used to film EVERYTHING. I literally have 23,000 videos on my phone and I guarantee half of them are from high school. I would just set my phone up in the middle of class and start filming myself for absolutely no reason - inspiring truly.

Lately, I’ve felt too timid to pick up my phone and start recording. I’ve been experiencing a lot of pressure to be perfect when it comes to creating this past year. I don’t know what I want to create, and if I do have an idea - I have no clue where to start. It’s kind of crazy because the Lord has been freeing me from insecurity, but what I didn’t realize was that it was much more deep-rooted than I thought. Even my creativity has been affected by my insecure thoughts.

I was going through these old videos with my family, playing them on the TV as we all laughed and reminisced. As we rewatched, I noticed their faces light up. I watched them become filled with joy as they got to experience a memory for the second time. I no longer thought of old insecurities or imperfections. I witnessed something that I created - bring life into a room.

The Lord has called me to create. To capture memories and display them in a way that only I am capable of. He didn’t call me to be timid. He called me to be confident in the person He created me to be.

When you recognize the calling that God has over your life, the need to compare yourself to others slowly starts to die down. Why would someone else's opinion of you matter when you know what God says about you?

Sometimes I need this self-reflection to remember why I’m doing what I do now. Not only to make younger Mere proud but to remind you guys that you’re not meant to live with daily insecurity and anxiety. Life isn’t meant to always feel heavy. You’re capable of achieving big things and you’re allowed to chase wildly after your dreams with God. 

Gaining confidence and healing from past insecurity isn’t always an overnight transformation. It’s not a linear process. It takes time, trust, and total faith in the Lord. I would be lying if I said I didn’t still struggle with anxiety and have moments of insecurity.

So if there’s one thing you take out of this I hope it’s: don’t let the lies of the enemy distract you from where the Lord is calling you.

If you’re dealing with this heavy burden of insecurity call out to the Lord. He hears every word and He will answer when you call. He is so near and is the only one who can give you true freedom.

As you go into a new school year, I want to encourage you that you’re not alone! In moments of insecurity, anxiety, or doubt, turn to the Lord. He wants to hear from you, He loves your voice!

I hope you use this entry as your motivation to start this new school year with confidence and to try new things without fear of failure. I encourage you this week to journal with the Lord and write down every dream, every goal, and every passion you have. Allow yourself the space to grow and break off insecurities that may be holding you back!

Send me a love letter if this week’s entry spoke to you in any way! Tell me about your dreams, your passions, or what the Lord is breaking off of you in this season of your life!

SEND LOVE LETTERS:

PO BOX 436 FENTON, MI 48430

I love ya! You’re amazing! Talk so so soon!

xoxo, Mere!