that time of year
This time of year can be a difficult one for most people.
I’d be lying if I wasn’t included in the “most” generalization. December is the peak of emotional Mere. My skin is drained of any color, it gets dark at 4:00 pm and the couch becomes my best friend. Feeling gross, cold, and emotional is the new normal. My days revolve around my computer and the few hours of productivity I feel that I get. The highlight of my day becomes my Starbucks drink and the gym becomes the only time I tend to leave my house.
For reference:
Every day isn’t as gloomy as I project, I am blessed with beautiful winter days. My mental health is better than it ever has been this year. ANDDD don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing I love more than watching a Christmas movie bundled up in my cozy clothes with a hot cup of coffee - that’s amazing! It’s just the weird emotions that tend to bottle up towards the surface of my mind this time of year that seem to interrupt the holiday spirit. I’m sure that many of you can relate to this, especially if you live somewhere exceptionally cold like Michigan. You’d think that after 22 years of living in Michigan I would finally figure out how to help myself not feel awful around the wintertime, but no. Apparently, 2020 Mere felt the same exact thing.
January 21st, 2020 at 1:11 am
I kinda feel ugly right now. I also realize it’s been a while since I’ve written here (here as in my google doc).
Do you ever have those days where no matter what you do, you still feel gross? Like a greasy-messy-oily gross. Not just an inside kinda gross, but an outside kinda gross? Are you picking up what I’m putting down? If not, you’re extremely lucky and I’d love to hear how you keep yourself feeling so clean - seriously don’t be shy, spill the secrets, please. My face feels oily, it’s breaking out, my hair still hasn't dried from my shower and is starting to get tangly, my eyes are puffy and the scent of self-tanner is still lingering on my skin. Wow. I love to complain, don’t I?
Do I feel better after complaining??? No.
Did complaining make the “grossness” go away??? No.
Do I magically feel complete??? No.
All the complaining did was make me feel even worse about myself and made me want to point out even MORE flaws and insecurities. It’s crazy because I never think of complaining as the easy way out, but it is. It’s so easy to just tear yourself down without thinking twice about it. I do it all the time and I’m sure you (whoever that may be) do it all the time too, sometimes without even realizing you're tearing yourself down.
I almost rarely take my own advice.
SO
I am going to take my own advice this time.
Think about this and think about it REAL well. The God of the Universe, who created the breathtaking sunsets, mountains, neverending seas, the beaming sun and the shining moon - that same God also created you. This is something I remind myself of when I start to go down the self-hating spiral. Think of how different every sunset is. Never have you ever seen two of the same looking sunsets, they’re all different and unique. Now tell me this, when have you ever looked at a sunset and said,
“Oh, that’s an ugly sunset. Look how gross it looks.”
No. You’ve never said that, and if you have I’m sad for you. Each sunset is different, just like no two people look exactly the same. So if God made every single sunset different - but equally as beautiful - there’s no way he didn’t make humans the same way. So just because you don’t look like whoever you’re comparing yourself to, doesn’t mean you're any less beautiful.
So think about this (FUTURE SELF) the next time you start comparing or complaining. Think about the sunsets and how each one is made beautiful in its own way just like you are. You are made in God’s perfect image. The God of the universe who created that beautiful sunset you took a picture of, also created you and thought you looked just as beautiful.
You are a sunset.
As I sit here struggling to write, falling into comparison and obsessing over nonexistent insecurities two years later, I think I need to listen to my own advice. Insecurities don’t magically go away overnight, as amazing as that would be, they just don’t.
Learning to not believe the lies your mind has created is difficult, but I’m right there with you. I’m in a better place for sure now.
Year after year, I start to learn more about how to love myself during these times.
We’re learning together!
It’s a work in progress!
Slow and steady, we will get there.
This time of year can be tough, but even on your hardest days, you can still look outside and see the beautiful sunset created by the same God that perfectly created you.
Remembering you are beautiful,
you are loved,
and you are not alone.
